What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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