I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
