I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
