i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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