Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Michael Bay diarrhea
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
