I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
