Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I think my moral compass just broke
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