Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
