Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
