The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize