So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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