Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize