i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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