why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
