Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
