My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
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He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize