Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
