I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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