FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
