I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
