i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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