I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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