Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
