UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
