haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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