She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Are we still banned from the library?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
