i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
i think my cat just said my name.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
