OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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