don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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