who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
