We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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