If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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