Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Randomize
