btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
