im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
