My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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