Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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