and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
