you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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