im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
