Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
