The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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