No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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