for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
