bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
