this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
