So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
