Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Are my feet made of real feet?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
All I want is dick and wine.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize