i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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