so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
