The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
