Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
