i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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