dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
