I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
