Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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