Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
