Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
