oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
