im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
