I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
