i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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