i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
