I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
