I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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