Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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