He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
