If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
