if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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