I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
