Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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