It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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