bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
